Comma

I'd never planned for this you know.

That's what you;d told me the day you'd found out that you were carrying a tiny being inside of you.

A bit of me and a bit of you, equaling a whole other person.

So tiny and fragile, only the size of a comma.

And a comma is what you used when telling me that you were going to dispose of the fetus.

I want him comma but I'd never planned for this you know.

I begged you:

Don't do it.

I'll help.

I'll stay.

He is loved.

But you'd only wave one hand while unconsciously placing the other over your flat belly.

We can't, you'd said. We're to young comma immature comma financially insecure comma comma comma comma.

Excuses and commas became your main defense, and they became the thing that I hated most.

Until one day.

I'll never forget when you became the thing that I hated most.

You walked through the door, pale as a ghost and as scared as the person who had just seen one. You looked like a child yourself.

You looked at me and wrapped your arms around yourself almost defensively.

It was the right thing to do comma we're doing the responsible thing.

But all I could see was the woman who murdered a small part of me, who murdered my unborn son.

You hugged yourself tighter and I watched as your face crumpled just before your body did, and inside me there was nothing was nothing.

No pity, no love, just nothing.

I walked out that day and left you laying broken on the floor, and until today, seeing your face in the obituaries, I had never thought any more of you.

Take care of our son up there.

I'll join him one day.

Breather

I really like flaws,

crooked tooth,

too-loud laugh,

spongy hair,

I like the fact that you need to be flawed in order to see perfection.

I like smiles and teeth and laughter and hair,

and I like the way that too many eyes sparkle.

With broken bones

and butterflies and

bellybuttons and belly buttons and bellies and buttons all over the place,

how can you stand still for so long?

Home made cookies and

fresh cold milk,

college experiences, love and heartbreak,

flaws bind together and break hearts and stop hearts and and smash teeth and create life.

Hope makes fear seem further away and

keeps desperation close beside it.

Broken bones and butterflies and bellybuttons and belly buttons,

all over the place.

What We Had.

The Perfect Storm.

Is there really such a thing?
How would such a phenomenon be judged, I wonder? Is there a panel of dieties, both earthbound and heaven kissed, or a jury of frightened little children and their hassled parents?
Would it be gaged by the intensity of the flash of lightening or the rumble of the mighty thunder, or by the size and density rain drops fallen? Does it need to involve sand or snow, with extra point for both?
These are the things we'd idly consider, the things we'd wonder about while huddles in our bed and hidden under the covers. Sometimes you laughed about my 'silly' fear of storms, kissing my nose and calling me a scardey cat when I was quite sure that no one called each other that anymore. I just thought it was what made you special - that and the million other ways, of course. Like the way that the left side of your mouth curled up just a little more than the right side, giving you a perpetually smug grin; the way your eyes darkened with mischief whenever your brother came to town; the dimple in your cheek that came out only when you'd done something foolish and realized it without wanting to admit it; the way the your hand felt as you slid it around my waist, pulling me into a warm embrace from behind always when I least expected it; the way the shadows of the raindrops danced along your bare skin, the street lamp illuminating them and making them nearly nearly mesh with the shadows of my thin white curtains.
Is there such a thing as a perfect storm? I had asked, laying on my side and looking down at you, tracing the patterns on your skin lightly with the tip of my finger, your hands behind your head and your eyes closed blissfully.
Maybe all storms are actually perfect, you replied sleepily, just a moment before a single peal of thunder seemingly ripped through the sky, making me jump and turn my head into the pillows.
You laughed at me, but I didn't feel mocked. You kissed my neck, my shoulder, down to my wrist, coaxing me out of the pillows a moment later, laying me on my back. You whispered to me then, soothing the worry from my forehead, softly laughing about how startled I looked.

I smiled sheepishly, but you just kissed my cheek.
You know, I think it's funny, you whispered, taking my hand and opening it to kiss my palm. I made a noise, studying your face intently, memorizing the way you looked just then, like a song I only knew half the lyrics to.
What's funny, you continued, is the reality that you and I are completely opposite sometimes. I love thunder storms and you're afraid of them.
You kissed the tip of my little finger and bit it, making me laugh as I tried to pull my hand away, but you held on tight.

At that moment, alarm bells should have been ringing in my head. I should have really listened to what you were saying, not just your words and how they sounded, but to the meaning behind them.

You kissed my other fingers, my shoulder again, then propped yourself up on one arm and leaned over me, smiling playfully.

I felt so much love for you at that very moment that I thought my heart was literally going to need to expand to fit it all.

You kissed me deeply, brushing your lips along my neck and jaw.

That night stands out in memory because it was the night you taught me it was ok to be afraid, but not to let it stop you from doing what you really want to do. The thunder would come, but I'd hardly notice it. You kept my mind off trivial things like that.

Our affair soon ended, as I knew it would but hoped it wouldn't. Things were much too good to last.

As soon as the first sign of trouble arose, you were just gone.

No sad goodbyes or bitter memories to taint what we had.
All that remains are shattered fragments of of a mosaic that was us.

The perfect storm:

coming on suddenly at full force with no warning signs and no anticipation. Pulling out all the stops, being loud, bold, frightening and fascinating, all at the same time, and ending on a bolt of lightening so shocking that it quiets the earth, stilling the angry seas and the skies, making the wind catch it's breath.

We had the perfect storm.

Elias (School)

"Professor?" She called out in her most honeyed tone. I'm sure it's very popular with the jocks, but I wasn't so easily amused.
"Yes Miss Nicks?" I looked over at her, noting the subtle tilt of her head and her legs positioned slightly apart. Amateur.
"Professor, it's Angela! How many times do I have to tell you?" she asked, giggling and twisting a lock of artificially colored hair around her manicured finger.
"As many times as you wish to needlessly repeat yourself, as I know what your name is and I still don't want to address you by it. What can I help you with?" I sighed, tapping my cane impatiently on the floor.
She looked slightly taken aback. "I... I only wanted to know who wrote "Through the looking glass."
I turned my back to her and made my way down to the front of the lecture hall.
"Class," I said into the microphone, and 200 heads simultaneously snapped up to look at me. "Who can tell me who wrote "Through the looking glass?" I beat an impatient little beat on the podium. My 2nd year literature students all looked around nervously; wondering if this was a trick question I'm sure. Slowly, 199 students raised their hand. Everyone but Angela, whose cheeks were flaming. "You, Mr. Tucker." I pointed to a blonde boy near the back.
He looked uncertain for a moment then spoke up. "Lewis Carroll?" He asked loudly, and a murmur or consent rippled through the room.
"Very good. But why the hesitation? Lewis Carroll is very well known in all of the realms and circles of literature. Alice in Wonderland and it's sequel, Through the Looking Glass, are some of modern literature's most studied pieces. What made you question yourself?" I scanned the audience, unease making them shift in their seats.
"Sir, you've asked seemingly obvious questions before but have caught us in it some way. This seemed much too easy to be just a question." He smiled, and everyone around him laughed appreciatively.
"Well thought out, Mr. Tucker. 5 points to your team." I nodded approvingly.
"Points, Professor?" He looked so confused, the poor boy.
"Rather, if we had a point system, or teams for that matter, you would have been awarded 5 points." I sighed theatrically, knowingly fueling their suspicion of my eccentricity. Nevertheless, laughter rippled through the conference hall.
"Right, thanks Professor." He laughed and shook his head, then went back to his work. Slowly I made my way back to Alicia Nicks. "Does that answer your question?" I asked quietly, noting her posture had changed and she was now leaning away from me. "Yes, Professor Grey," she mumbled, looking down at her desk.
"Good." I said, tapping my cane on the floor for finality. "Class," I yelled, making my way back to the podium. My leg started throbbing, and I knew what was coming. Just because I knew didn't make it any easier. "This week's assignment is a 1,500 word essay on the life and works on Lewis Carroll, including DOB and DOD, and any other fun tidbits you can unearth; I'll be grading based on pertaining themes. Due on Friday, double spaced, black and white, no excuses. Class dismissed, see you on Wednesday!" I pressed the buzzer on the wall, and the room became a flurry of activity.
A dull chorus of "Thanks, Professor," rang out as my Monday students filed out of the room, most of them older than me.
The thought made me chuckle.
I looked at the seating and saw only one person remaining: Alicia. I groaned inwardly, the 19-year-old in me screaming for me to run from the crazy chick, but then the teacher in me took over. "Miss Nicks, can I help you with something?" I asked, taking a seat behind my desk and discreetly massaged my leg, hoping to diffuse the pain bomb ticking in my body.
She grabbed her bag and approached me, her black hair as straight as a pin. I noted that her skirt was too short to be academically acceptable, although I could appreciate her long legs.
"Yes, Professor, you can." She said angrily, and I cringed on the inside. "Elias, I don't know what your deal is," she stated, and I knew the conversation was going to go downhill from that point. "Over the past month I have been trying to get your attention, and you always seem to ignore me, and you pay attention to that Tucker kid instead. You’re passing me over, and that never happens to me. So I'm telling you right this minute that I am very interested in you. I also think you should know that I view you as a challenge, so nothing you could say will make me want to have you any less." She said all of this with a smug, self satisfied air about her.
My expression was effortlessly vacant. I quirked an eyebrow, not out of interest but out of pity for the poor mentally infirm girl. "Miss Nicks, I believe your affections are misguided. I apologize if I have, in any way, encourage your attention, but I must assure you that I have no intention of pursuing any kind of relationship with you save that of a professor towards his student. I will have you know that I do not employ favoritism, nor do I endorse it. So, I ask that you get a move on with the rest of your day and forget about this silly infatuation. Good day, Miss." I nodded politely and busied myself with my papers.
She looked shocked, as though someone had physically slapped her. She struggled a moment with what to say or do next, and finally stood up and leaned over my desk. "Elias Gray, you're going to find out that life can be made pretty hard for you if you don't play by my rules." she hissed, trying to intimidate me by her proximity to my nose. Not even close to working.
I leaned in towards her, our faces only millimeters apart. "Try me." I deadpanned, pulling away and sitting back in my chair.
"Miss Nicks, this is not high school. Need I remind you of how very precarious your scholarship is? You need a certain amount of credits to keep your scholarship, never mind to graduate. My class counts for 33% of your semester's total, and you have me for both semesters this year. With you against me, that's 66% of your year's grade against you. So please, do yourself a favor and stop making idle threats that we both know are unrealistic. As I said before, good day." I slammed a drawer closed, and as a literature student she surely was able to see the symbolism in that simple action.
Yet she still stood there.
The fuse shortened and i knew the pain would be coming at any moment. I dreaded it's coming. Either she needed to leave or I was going to have to- there was no way I was going to let her see me in that state. "Madam, I'm afraid I must get back to work. Please feel free to remain in the auditorium and study, but I do start my next lecture in 35 minutes." I sounded cordial, but she seemed to hear the impatience in my tone. Her glare would have intimidated a lesser man, which is what she must have thought she was dealing with.
"Right. Thank you, Professor," she hissed and walked out of the room.
As the door clicked I had just enough time to turn out the light before the pain overwhelmed me.

Elias (Background - Mother)

"Elias darling, come here please!" Mother called out in that sing-song voice I so very much hated.
"Coming mother." I said to myself, knowing very well that she couldn't hear me and knowing just as well that it didn't matter if she did. She knew I would come. I always did.
I hesitantly pushed open her door and saw her lounging luxuriously on her plush bed.
"My love, come here," she purred, and I could immediately smell the sour stench of alcohol.
I strode up to the foot of her bed and saw that the sheets were messed up. She's been having nightmares again. "Elly, do mummy a favor and bring me my jewelery box." She slurred her words, and I knew tat she'd overdosed on her anti-depressants.
"No, Mother, I think you should just lay down and go to sleep. You've had a rough night." I took a step backwards and almost tripped on some discarded clothes. I bent down to pick it up, then saw that the whole floor was littered with garbage, clothes, shoes, and whatever else she decided to toss aside. I sighed deeply and straightened up.
"Elias, sweetheart, please bring me my box. It's so special to me." She was whining now. She crawled along the bed to where I was standing and reached up to try and touch my face, something that I used to love. Now it just made me feel sick.
I looked at her, pity and fear bubbling up inside me, and I saw that underneath her silk robe she had no clothes on. I quickly looked over at the door, wanting nothing more than to escape.
"Elias!" She barked, and prodded me in the stomach. "Look at me when I'm speaking to you!" she said harshly.
I looked at her lined face and my throat constricted. "Why do you want you music box, Mother?" I choked on my words, knowing exactly why.
"Because it has my wedding ring in it," she said dreamily, and I knew I needed to change the subject because she was coming close to a meltdown.
"Ok, mother, I'll get you your jewelery box. I'll return in just a moment." I backed away quickly and went for the box.
I opened it and went right to the secret compartment. I had seen her wedding ring on the bedside table, so I knew what she really wanted. The velveteen lining peeled away from the bottom of the little box, revealing multiple bottles of pills such as Vicodin and various antidepressants.
I felt a stab of sadness as I removed everything, and not for the first time I wondered where they came from.
I slid the bottles into my jacket pocket, then took of my jacket and hung it on the door, ready for my quick escape.
"Elly!" My mother called, and I reattached the lining and rearranged everything abck to the way it was.
"Coming." I whispered.

So, I've been thinking,

and I've decided that it's time I wrote out my lessons that I've given!
They're usually pretty good, if I do say so myself.
When I actually try to put an effort into things, they don't usually fail, which is nice, you know?

so as they come along I'm going to be posting them here, for future reference.

Peace :)

A Broken Record

Honestly, this is just getting ridiculous.
How much more homesick can I get? I didn't think it could get much worse, but every time I look at pictures from back home it gets just a little worse.
I feel like such a loser. And yet why can't I stop it?

Life recently has become a little bit of a chore.
I've been sick on and off since before Christmas, and it doesn't seem like it wants to go away.
Work, as always, is rough but not unbearable. I'm FINALLY down to only 8 properties, and I used to have 20. Does that seem excessive to you? Because it didn't to me. I thought I could take on more, and only since I've started backing off have I realized that I was pretty much killing myself over something that really wasn't going to get me anywhere in the long run.
Luckily, though, I have left all of my clients on good terms and now have some very valuable contact in my future life.

Which, by the way, hasn't begun yet.
I'm still waiting for the call or email telling me that I've got the part.
I've been assured that it's coming soon, that because we're in Mexico everything's later than they thought, but it's still nerve wracking.
But I was really, really thinking about it, and decided that I really wouldn't be super devastated if I didn't get it.
Like, it would suck because it's such a great experience, but I wouldn't be crushed.
I guess that I don't feel that I've been keeping my life on hold for this thing, so if I get it it'll just be a perk.

I've been keeping very busy with my daily life, but luckily, for the moment, it's tolerable. That little feeling in my chest every time I see home is starting to get tedious, but I feel like if I stop feeling that then I'll have lost something.
Iiiii don't know. I feel so contradictory.

And I wonder why I write this.
I know no one will read this. But maybe to remember this time?
Then why am I writing the negative? Why not focus on the good stuff in my life?
I guess I'm just silly that way.

I have to go to bed.
Tomorrow I have to focus on getting some accommodations set up for a team that I'm helping out in March.

Good Night, future.
Good Night, Moon.
And good night Mrs. Robinson, wherever you are :)
Kenzie

Happy New Year?

The shock is finally wearing off.
2009 is officially gone, and 2010 is here.
At first, I was all chill and like whatever, but now I have finally come to terms with everything: 2010 is a year of lasts.
Life as I know it is changing, and fast.
People that I've known for my whole life down here are leaving, and I'm going too. And as much as that excites me, it fills me with a tangible fear.
The fear and the certainty that life is never, ever, from this point on, going to be the same doesn't exactly sit well with me.
Everything that was 'normal' is being ripped apart right before my eyes, and the pieces have yet to start floating down.
It's kind of crazy, really.
This profound sense of loss is nothing new, and the assurance that I am neither the first nor the last to feel this takes some of the sting away.
But not all of it. Not even enough to keep the memories from starting to flood in, and the nostalgia to put her first foot in the door.
Just enough to make it seem ok, if only on the surface.

This New Years Eve was lamesauce.
Sickness taints joy, and tainted joy is only the echo of a laugh... or something along those lines.
I really wasn't able to enjoy it because of the impending doom of a business meeting with a grumpy client (which turned out quite well) at an ungodly hour.
But, whatever.

Lately I have been feeling extremely discontent.
Every time I see pictures of things back home, homesickness overcomes me.
Is this irrational? I think so.
But it still happens nonetheless.
I don't know exactly what I left behind, but all I know is that it's not here.
I feel terrible burdening my lovelies with this, because they're all going through their own drama, and mine is of no real consequence. But some days it's all I can do not to break down. Some days, I wonder where on earth my head is at, and I usually find it where I know it has no business being.
And yet that's life.
And I'm moving on.

Tonight was awesome.
I was hostessing a charity ball for the local orphanage, Casa Hogar, and had to pretend that I remembered a ton of people who, in reality, didn't stick out to me at all.
But I met this incredible woman, Ruth, and she was such an inspiration to me.
She's someone that I would love to be, and someone that some people think I am, but is someone I know that I'm much too selfish to be.
But I'll work on it.
And she's totally a door to Colorado for me. We'll have to see what God has planned for me this coming year. It's going to be interesting.

But the thing that I'm most interested in is my pending foray into the 'acting industry'.
On Thursday the 7th, Sarah Bachelder (a casting agent here in the Bay) called me at 7:15 pm and said 'Kenzie, you need to get your butt into a taxi and into Vallarta right now. Casting begins at 8.'
So I freaked out and got ready to go really quick, and hopped in a taxi, just as she said.
When I first got to the hotel Krystal where the auditions were being held, I was freaking out and nervous, and the concierge came up to me and was like 'Hey there, how can I help you?' and I quickly explained that I was there for the casting event, and he said that he didn't know what was going on.
After panicking for about 2 minutes, I walked into the lobby only yo find that there were cameras there and everything.
Thank you, useless Hotel man.
So I went and wandered aimlessly for a few seconds, and someone came up to me and was like 'Hey, are you here for the casting call?' and when I said yes, he was like 'Good, because you were going to be whether you knew it or not.'
lololol
I found that a little creepy.
So we sat down for a few minutes and chatted, and he told me his name is Renè, and he is the director of the show. After a few minutes of small talk, he asked me if I had any acting experience, and I told him about working on Dinoshark (by Roger Coraman) over the Spring, and he got really excited, and as it turns out, pretty much all of the crew got their start with Corman. So, you know, Kudos to me.
Then I went into the theater room with him, and he said that they were going to take some pictures of me.
Now, let me interject here to explain that I was wearing heels. I'm tall as it is, but with the 4 inch heels, I'm quite giant. And unfortunately, the camera men were.... short.
They were all commenting on how tall I was, and then one of the camera men said that he felt like one of Snow White's dwarfs.
And me, being me, got nervous and said 'oh, does this make you feel uncomfortable? I can take off my heels if it makes you feel better...'
I mean, they reached about just under my shoulders... so it was completely natural that I could have been making them feel emasculated.
Well, as I'm sure you can imagine, everyone got really quiet for a second then burst out laughing. Aaaaaand I almost died.
I said that I was sure that whatever they lacked in height they made up for in photography skills
A dear friend once asked me
¿nunca has considerado solo sonreir y no decir nada? (haven't you ever thought about just smiling and not saying anything?)
When I get nervous I say stupid stuff. I can't help it.
But I seemed to have made a good impression on (and possibly scarred) them. I had thought it went well, because they said that they wanted to find a part for me which will be in the whole season. They said that they'd call me when they got back to Vallarta in a week.
The next day Sarah called me and told me that they wanted me for sure.
I just don't know what's going to happen yet.
And that pretty much sums it all up!!
It was awesome.

So I guess this year is going to be interesting.
New year, new hurt, new love? I think it still applies.

So good night, my lovies, and I'll be sure to keep updating.
This could possibly be my only outlet. I'm trying to stop bugging people with my fickle concerns.

Happy New Year?
Maybe.

Winter Blues in hues of black.

'It's like when you see a faded wall and cover it with a fresh coat of paint.
It looks good until the new paint starts to peel away, revealing the ugly underside.
That's how I feel.
My life is that faded wall.
There are various reasons as to why that paint peeled away.
Maybe it was laid on too thick.
Maybe the wall wasn't primed.
Maybe the new paint didn't bond with the wall.
Or maybe all three.
But the end result remains the same. The wall is still ugly and the paint still won't stick.
The truth will always be revealed.
It's a fact.'

Nostalgia truly chills me to the bones, even in 22°C weather.
Selfishness makes it ache, and sadness stings worse than a slap to the face.
But it'll pass, right?

I've had a writers block for a while now, and my camera hates me.
I'm missing Canada like crazy, and some of the people in it too.
This is the first Christmas that hasn't felt like Christmas.
It' T-5 days to CDay, and no presents have been bought. No one really feels like going through the motions.
We're all too busy.

Desperation is not being able to change.

It's like when you see a faded wall and cover it with a fresh coat of paint.
It looks good until the new paint starts to peel away, revealing the ugly underside.
That's how I feel.
My life is that faded wall.
There are various reasons as to why that paint peeled away.
Maybe it was laid on too thick.
Maybe the wall wasn't primed.
Maybe the new paint didn't bond with the wall.
Or maybe all three.
But the end result remains the same. The wall is still ugly and the paint still won't stick.
The truth will always be revealed.
It's a fact.

Vacation Blog #4: ... so it's been a little while...

Hey guys!
Sorry that it’s been so long since the last update…. things over here have been absolutely insane (… I feel like I’ve used that phrase in my past entries…)
So, I’ve realized that every single day that I’ve been here, they’ve had some way to occupy my time. It’s been ‘neato’ and tiring and sometimes terrifying (occasionally all at the same time!)

So on Wednesday, we got up pretty late (I slept in until 8:00!!, and I made Cream Of Wheat ( I don’t think this actually pertains to the story, except for the fact that it’s yummy). We went to go pick up Erin, one of Brianna’s little friends.
Then: we went to the Air force Academy!! It was so cool.
When we first got there, some people were being dropped from planes, so we went to the landing pad to see them touch the ground. We sat and watched for a little and I took some cool pictures of the old planes and helicopters that were on display on big poles :)
After, we drove to the visitors center, and saw a 15 year old video about what the air force is about, and then we looked around the little place. Nothing too cool there.
Then we went to the Air Force Chapel, and it was cool.
The church is 3 levels and home to 4 churches.
On the first level is the Lutheran Christian church. It has a Pipe Organ with 4,500 pipes in it. It’s crazy. The floor to the level below is 27 inches thick, so the churches can hold their services simultaneously. On the floor below is the Catholic grotto. It was all small and cramped, but apparently they wanted it to feel like that so the worshippers would remember the days when Christians were forces to worship underground and in hiding.
Then, in the basement, there are 2 churches: A Buddhist temple and a Jewish temple. They were both pretty low key.
After we looked around there and saw a helicopter take off, we went to a little deli and got lunch, then went to Cave of the Winds… and Wow. It was incredible. We went on an hour tour, and only when we were about 20 minutes did I discover something pretty profound: I’m quite claustrophobic while underground! Earth-shattering, I know. But it wasn’t that bad. The air was a little thin, and some of the passages were a little difficult to squeeze into (and I wasn’t even the tallest person on the tour… which feels a little odd, I’ll admit). So at some points I just had to stop and take a deep breath, close my eyes, and plunge through (I ended up doing that in my mind after the first try... I don’t know if you’ve ever tried closing your eyes and ducking through a low passage, but let me stop you from trying… it hurts). While we were going through everything, I ended up lagging a few seconds behind our group so I could take some pictures, and every time we got to a new cave, out guide would ask if the whole group was here. At first, the guys in front of me would be like ‘no, there’s a girl behind us’, so I would hurry up and get to the rest of the group. But then, one time, the guide asked if everyone was there, and the guy in front looked back at me (I was taking an awesome picture of a rock formation) and I mouthed ‘say yes! Say yes!’ so he was like ‘uh… yes…’. He was a sweetie. He covered for me the rest of the way, though I know that the guide knew I wasn’t there… he’d always stall a few seconds longer until I snuck into the group.
At one point, we came to a cave, and the guide asked whether we had ever been in ‘true dark’… the kind of dark that completely blinds you… some said that they had, so the guide turned out all of the lights in the cave. And goodness was that creepy.

After there, we dropped Erin off at home and went to go pick up Mrs. Fett’s mother. We went out to the Flying W Ranch, which is a chuck wagon dinner. It was on a beautiful place, and Brianna and I took some awesome pictures while we were there. The entertainment for the night was a group of cowboys, and they sang some songs and told jokes and stories and it was pretty good.
But what I think is hilarious is that Mr. Fett knows everyone! Everywhere we go, he always has to stop to talk to someone.
Like, we were on our way to the dining room, and all of a sudden this young guy is calling “B.J.”, so we go over, and it was the (cute) son of Mr. Fett’s accountant (or something… I just know that his father took care of Mr. Fetts clients and stuff while he was in Mexico…) so we were talking, and Mr. Fett told me that he (the boy… Travis) had lived in Peru for a little while, so he spoke Spanish. Mr. Fett said that we should speak to each other, so an awkward moment passed, and we started talking about his time in Peru, and my life in Mexico… it was so funny, because later at dinner Mr. Fett said that he had meant for us to speak to each other in Spanish, not just speak in general. It was pretty embarrassing.
After dinner and the show we went home, and I went to bed.

Next day (Thursday), we woke up pretty early, and drove out to Cripple Creek to do to the Mollie Mine Shaft and descend 1,000 feet underground… whooooyeah, my dream come true. As soon as I saw the old thing that we were going down in, I pretty much started to hyperventilate. Fortunately, 7 people were put into the elevator before us, and we 3 girls and our guide went down in the next one. I was pretty spazzy on the way down, but the guy was awesome. He was like ‘seriously, you’re not in any danger, and it’s totally safe. Just don’t look down.’ What did I do right then? I looked down. Why, I’ll never know, but I did. And all that I saw was a lake of water rushing towards us (I had taken off my glasses earlier so they wouldn’t fall off, so I had no depth perception) and I asked if that was truly water, and his response was ‘yeahm, and I sure hope that they stop us before we hit it like last time.’… he said it with such a straight face that I swear I almost passed out right there.
Needless to say, I was overjoyed when we were on solid ground, even though we were 1,000 feet underground… it was better than being 350 feet underground and counting.
Once the tour started, things calmed down. Our guide was a 3rd generation miner, and he knew a lot of stuff about everything underground.
At one point, there was some weird crystals growing on the wall, and it looked a lot like salt mold. He had just been talking about how they used a cyanide method to break down rocks and expose the precious metals hidden in the rocks. When I asked what the stuff on the walls was, he told me that it was unharvested cyanide… yeah. I was like ‘whaaaaaat?’ and he cracked the smallest of smiles and said that it was actually calcium magnesium. I waited a second for my heart to reboot, and the whooooole group laughed… at me, not with me. I’ll admit, he was funny. And he was cool because there was this middle aged guy that was really loud and obnoxious and he would cut other people off so that he would ask a question. The guide (Jesse) didn’t like that, so he would always answer the other person’s question before he answered the guys question.
Near the end of the tour, we went to a room with an exibit with a ton of gold, and he had a trolley with rocks that had traces of gold in them. Jesse gave everyone a piece, and they’re really cool. He gave me one with a bunch of gold in it, and although it looks purple, it’s sparkly >< I love it.
Once we got out of there, we went downtown Cripple Creek and went to Godspell, a play about the life of Jesus from the time he was baptized by John to his death. It was funny, because it was marketed as ‘professional theater’, but was so small town that it was hilarious. Like, the lines were delivered flawlessly, but the singing was pretty off, and the acting was waaaay over the top lol
On our way out of town we stopped at an old museum, and I saw some spectacular old Victorian dresses and shoes and stuff of that nature.
When we finally got home, we had 15 minutes to be ready and out the door to the EL Paso club, which is a social club for men. That night was the weekly dinner. There, I saw Alex (11) and Cameron (8) whom I had babysat when they went to visit the Fetts in Mexico. I can easily say that these are my 2 favorite little boys in the whole world. I simply love these kids. They are so funny, and they were so surprised to see me. Cameron is too adorable, because as I was showing him the pictures of the caves, he had pretty much memorized the whole speech that the guy gave, and I pretended not to know what everything was, and he proceeded to tell me what every formation in the caves was, and how it was created.
Then, during dinner, Alex sat beside me, and Cameron sat beside him, and all throughout our meal, Cameron was telling me about how much Spanish he had learned in school… unfortunately, all the Spanish he knew was how to describe his taco. ‘Yo tengo un taco grande. Yo puedo comer quince tacos. Es un taco grande.’ And things like that. He was also very proud that he held the highest record for taco eating for kindergarten to 4th grade – 12 tacos at one sitting. And Alex is waaaay too smart for his own good, so we would tell me word puzzles and then snare me in them. It was such a great dinner. I really hope to see them again before I leave.
Then, as we were all saying goodnight that evening, he came and gave my legs a huge hug (He’s a little short and I had heels on… he reached my belly button (shut up Zac)) and told me to go visit him and he’ll make me tacos for lunch… “because I know how to make grande tacos that are delicioso!” he had said so proudly! I love that child.

On Friday, we got up very early so that we could be out of the house by 7:00 am and be at the Cog depot at 7:30 so we could check in, because the cog left at 8:00 am sharp.
Well, we got there in time, and well prepared. I had on long PJ pants (I was too lazy to change) a tee shirt, and my sweater. In my bag, I had a long sleeved shirt, a fleece jacket, a scarf, and gloves.
At the depot, I was pretty warm. I had runners on, so my feet were nice and toasty. Once we boarded the train, however, I realized that we were going un 14,110 feet above sea level… and that’s a ways up. A looooong ways up. And that hit me like a ton of bricks lol it was pretty crazy. Luckily our bench was facing backwards, and in front of us was an awesome elderly couple from Kentucky, and they were hilarious. The lady was just as skeptical as I was, and the husband was evil. He kept making these horrid remarks about how unstable these cars were, and how falling rocks were quite normal, and all of these things just to see us react. After the first 5 minutes we both relaxed, and he joked with us even more. It was an hour up the mountain, and it was spectacular. I have a ton of pictures, but I can honestly that they do not do the view any justice. I can’t wait to upload them.
On the way up the mountain, I started getting cold, so by the time I was at the top of the mountain, I had on my shirt, the long sleeved shirt, my sweater, and my fleece coat…
But one thing I had not counted on was the whole lack of oxygen thing… so the moment I stepped off of the tram, I pretty much collapsed. My vision blacked out, and my legs gave out, but it really wasn’t that bad. I didn’t lose consciousness, and that’s a definite plus! After a second, tho, I was fine.
We went to Panorama Point and took pictures, but my fingers were getting cold so I put my gloves on.
Then, I figured that since I had everything else on, I might as well put on my scarf… so I did!
I got some awesome pictures of me all decked out in my winters finest… in the middle of summer!!
Lol I looked like a little fat person :)
On the way back down the mountain, I gradually started shedding layers, and at the end I was back to my original attire.
Once we got off the cog, we decided to go to downtown Manitou, and look around the quirky little shops there.
In the first shop that we went to there, I was looking at the jewelry, and something shiny caught my eyes. When I picked it up, I saw that it was the only bracelet on the rack, and on it was carved ‘Mackenzie’! I couldn’t believe it, so of course I bought it. And it fits me perfectly! I was so happy.
Then we looked around the town some more, and they have a really old arcade that’s about a block squared. It was so cool!
One store that I loved was a quirk store, and they have a whole bunch of really cool things in it. My absolute favorite thing that was found, though, was called a Triop. A triop is supposedly a prehistoric creature that can be dehydrated just like sea monkeys (which are brine shrimp). But the thing I don’t understand is that they will grow up to 3 inches long… could someone look it up and tell me what they find??
Then I found a peanut-free candy store, and I bought Spencer some giant candy that I’m sure he’ll love. It’s giant – I don’t see how one could not like it lol
That night Mr. Fett was out fishing with some of ‘the boys’, so we ladies ate a low key dinner out on the porch. It was really nice and chill.

On Saturday, we all slept in as long as possible (... 7:22, again)
It was beautiful outside, so I decided to write in my diary out on the deck. I wrote for a good while, and then I looked into the grass beside me, and what did I see??? I beautiful little cotton tail bunny. So, since I had previously failed at catching a rabbit before (see previous journal entry) I decided that now would be a GREAT time to redeem myself (especially since no one else was awake!) So I ran into the house, got some blueberries, and went out to the grass. I laid on my stomach, crushed the blueberries in my hand, and proceeded to lay there and chat with the bunny… for over an hour and a half. By the end of everything, there were 3 rabbits within a foot of my face, my fingers had been bitten waaay too hard by the biggest of the 3, and a beetle of some sort had bitten my wrist. I ended up just ditching the rest of the blueberry mush and going inside to warm up my toes.
By that time it was about 10:00 am, so I made us breakfast, and we ended up heading out to the Colorado Springs Museum of Natural History. One thing that I thought was so cool is that they has an operational bird cage elevator! It was so cool. I was a bit hesitant to get into it at first (would YOU want to ride in a little metal box suspended by old cables? … I didn’t think so lol) but I was goaded into it.
We spent a few hours there, and then went up to see Mr. Fett’s office. The only thing that really stands out to me about that place is right outside the main entrance there is a huge statue of red paperclips… it’s pretty sweet. I took a couple of good pictures of that… now I want one! It wouldn’t fit anywhere, but gosh would it look funky :P
By that time, we had to rush home and get showered up and ready for a wedding in 30 minutes... I still don’t know whose wedding it was, but it was pretty cool.
They had the ceremony in the First Christian Church in Colorado Springs, and then ceremony was held on the rodeo grounds. That was awesome, because while the reception was going on, outside there was a roapin’ competition, heads and heels. There are 2 riders on horses, and one has to rope the head, and the other has to rope both of the heels of the calf at the same time.
It was pretty intense.
The dinner was quite good, but the music was country, so it really wasn’t my thing.
After we escaped from the wedding, we went to the grocery store (still all dressed up… we got some funny stares) and got some milk (so I could have cinnamon toast crunch!)
When we got home, I was debating on where to go to church in the morning, but after looking for over an hour, I wasn’t able to find anything close by that started at an early hour, because we were going to go shopping with Mrs. Fett’s niece, Amy.
So, I just ended up going to bed and not going to church in the morning.
But, something cool that did happen was that the Triops hatched! They’re itsy bitsy, but they’re there. They say that they’ll double in size every day.

Which brings me to yesterday, which was Sunday.
When I first woke up, I immediately called home, and Zac told me about the Vision 800 camp this year, and I was truly sad that I missed it. But I wouldn’t have done things differently if I had the chance.
I went into the kitchen to find Brianna sobbing because she was cleaning out the fish bowl, but she got mixed up and put the fishes in chlorinated water, and one of them wasn’t moving.
It all turned out ok, but she was in a bad mood from then on.
Any came to pick us up at around 11:30, and luckily Brianna perked right up.
We went shopping at this place called the Burmington Coat Factory (… a total misnomer, I assure you) and we were there for literally 2.5 hours. It was awesome!
The sizes actually make sense here, and a normal shirt doesn’t cost $200.00 pesos here (it cost $4 dollars!! :D)
So I was a very happy little duck.
Then we went to the food court to go eat, and Bri and I shared a plate of Chinese food (which was served by a real Asian! Go figure!) While we were eating, I was fascinated by watching people. Everyone is sooo different here.
For one thing, hardly anyone wears Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister and all those stupid name brands (Unfortunately, I really can’t rail on them too much because I discovered to my dismay htat over the years, I’ve accumulated quite a stash of Lemming clothes) they wear actual clothes! And everyone is sooo diverse (…grunge is still alive and kicking) and the girls are so much more…. I don’t know, bold I guess. And the boys don’t brazenly stare at you… it’s so cool. I seriously love this place.
Unfortunately, I have completely fallen in love with Colorado Springs.
I’m reaaaally (reallyreally) excited to go home to Canada (8 more sleeps!) but I really do love it here. Something that I’m seriously looking at is going to an 8 month pre-college bible course at New Life Church, and then from there get on with my life and whichever college I choose (or that chooses me)
I have a tour tentatively scheduled for Friday afternoon to go look at the Paragon Culinary Institute, and on Sunday I’m going to speak with one of the directors (… is that what you would call him?) of the program. It’s all in the air right now :P
Anyways, back to my day. After Burmingtons we went to a show store, and I was quite disappointed by their selection of shoes. I got only 2 pairs, and Brianna and Amy each got one. I now, however, have the power!! I have the numbers to 3 more stores in the vicinity, and plan on stopping there this Friday!
I’m so excited.
We had to hurry from there, so we peeked into Claires, and then we hurried home. Amy had a date, and we had dinner plans at Mr. Fett’s secretary’s house.
Biranna and I both wore a new outfit, and dinner was fabulous (hahah the lady, Debbie, aaaalways said ‘oh, well that’s fabulous!’)
They have this deranged looking old cat (dude, 19 years old in November!) named Tyco, and a Persian calico… I don’t know how that one happened, but she’s this huuuuge puff ball, and she has calico markings. It was a little embarrassing, because the first time I saw her I accidently burst out laughing.
When we got home, Brianna and I started taking a whole bunch of pictures, and I played with Jinx (her guinea pig whom I think should be named Chester… she does not agree :P) buuuuut I can’t upload then :( and that makes me sad.
I stayed up reallllly late writing, and then, at around 3:00, I finally went to sleep.

So, today, Monday. It’s 7:40 right now, and I should be getting ready to go.
We’re going on a 4 day road trip to Mesa Verde, Colorado. I’m told that it’s stunning. If anyone’s there in the next few days, call me!! Haha
I’m notttt a big fan of driving, and long distances make me fall asleep (I have no idea why) so this is going to be an intense trip.
But I’m really excited.
As I’ve said before, my family here in Colorado is amazing. I truly love them. They’ve done so much for me, just so I can see around Colorado Springs (and now a big chunk of Colorado the state!)
So I’m going to go get ready. We leave no later than 10:00 am, so I have to get my butt in gear.

So, I love you guys, and I’ll try to get some Wifi while I’m away.
Until then, stay out of trouble (you know who you are) and have a great week!!

-Kenzie <3

Vacation Blog #2: aaaaaand I'm really tired

W.O.W.
What a great weekend.
On Wednesday, I woke up really early (at like 6) but fell back asleep because it still wasn't light enough to see outside, which is what I really wanted to see. At around 7 i got up again, and threw open the blinds to see outside, and it was beautiful. And the first thing I saw: a wild bunny!!! It was so cute!
I thought it was pretty cool that the first thing that I saw was my favorite animal.
Then I got up and looked around the yard, and Brianna made me chocolate chip pancakes!! It was so sweet. Then I went outside and played in the (wet and cold) grass for a little while. My feet and hands and nose are always cold here...
At around 11, we went to Garden Of The Gods (Google it. It's worth it) and we went for a walk up in the gardens, and then up to Balancing Rock. Mrs. Fett took some awesome pictures of Brianna and I up there. I'll upload then as soon as I get the proper cords that I need to hook the camera up to the computer.
Then we went around town a little bit, to the Trading Post (an awesome gift shop. It's HUGEEE) and then to the Visitors Center. There I had a soft pretzel. It was great.
Then, we went to a magical place called an American grocery store.
First thing I bought there: dill pickles :D
And 3 notebook and a pack of 10 pens for $2 total. I was amazed.
Then Brianna and I were looking at fruit prices, and 5 lbs. of blueberries were 8 dlls. and 1.5 lbs of cherries was $1.50. It was awesome. I was literally in heaven, and Brianna was making fun of me, so I said 'Hey, it's my first day in America, cut me some slack!' and we kept walking and joking, and a little bit later, this older guy came over, and he was like 'I'm sorry, I couldn't help but overhear you, were you serious that this is your first day in the States?' and I quickly explained where I'm from, and it turned out that he and his wife went to P.V last year, and he knew all about Bucerias and Vallarta. It IS a small world after all.
OH! And they have this odd thing called 'self checkout'. It's so strange! You literally scan in your own junk, and bag it, and pay for it all by yourself. It totally blew my mind. I was like '...... wow.'
Also, I got an American cell phone (lol, i know, so sad. But the number is 719-351-0251)
We got home at around 5:30, and I went and unpacked everything, and chilled in my room under the covers for a little while until dinner.

On Wednesday, I woke up insanely early (again) and Brianna and I went for what was supposed to be a jog, but ended up as a walk. I never realized how much thinner the air is up here compaired to Mexico. Usually jog for about 20 minutes, then I walk 5, but I could hardly jog for 5 minutes without becoming extremely winded. I thought I was just getting old, but then Brianna made a comment about how much thinner the air is here, and that sometimes people pass out from the altitude... needless to say, that made me feel much better.
When we got home, I had a bath... I forgot just how cold porcelain is...
It was pretty unpleasant at first.
Then we went to Souper! Salads (lol i love the name) and had lunch, then we went to Ross and Target, and I took a picture of Ross to document my first time there :P
People looked at me funny (... am I noticing a trend here?)
Then Mrs. Fett took me to New Life Church... I was literally shocked. It was gigantic! It started at 7, and I got there around 5, just to make sure that I would be able to get in.
So after it took a whole 4 seconds to register, I was left alone for the remaining hour and 56 seconds to chill and get my bearings.
As it turns out, the church is equipped for about 12,000 people. Unfortunately, they thought they would only need half of the sanctuary, so they had roughly 6,000 seats available. When all was said and done, there were about 6,400 people. It was so amazing. I have awesome pictures... I just can't upload them.
After the last concert, they opened 'The Lounge' and had free coffee and candy... I found out about this magical candy called 'saltwater taffy'. And it is amazing.
When I asked someone what it was, the person gave me an odd look, as though saying 'what is wrong with you? How do you not know what this goodness is called?? You imbecile.' But she just told me that it was saltwater taffy.
I went home in a little bit of shock that night... and I wanted more taffy. It was great.

On Friday, I woke up at a decent time (... 7 is decent, right?) and got a pretty good seat, close to the front.
In the first seminar, i sat behind these really funny 4 guys, and at the end of the seminar, everyone was standing up and stretching, and one of the guys poked the other one and scared him and made him scream... really loudly. It was hilarious! I laughed, but tried to hide it.
Later on lunch break, I was talking to one of the staff, asking about the church (that's where I got all of my cool number information!) and she was like 'you're really interested, are you thinking of coming here?' so I told her about how I'm from a church with 100 people on the fullest of days, bla bla bla, and she thought it was so cool.
Afterwards, after singing and stuff that afternoon, one of the speakers got up on stage, and he was shouting out to different states present, and at the end, he was like 'Oh, and I hear that we have someone from Mexico here! Could you stand up please?' and at first I didn't want to (have you ever had 6,400 people stare at you?... yeah, it's nerve wracking), but he said that he knew I was there, so I stood up (i was pretty near the front) and he shouted out 'You don't LOOK mexican!' and everybody laughed :( haha it was so embarrassing.
Later that night, I was seeing people walking around with wooden clothes pins hanging off their clothes, and I was wondering what that was about, because some people were walking around taking pictures of the ones who had the pins on them. I would always feel the flashes go off behind me, but I always thought that someone was taking a picture of someone behind e... until about 10:30, some poor girl came up to me and she was like 'Hey, I think you should know that you have a whole bunch of clothes pins hanging off your shirt.' so she took then all off of me, for a grand total of 7 pins. They were on my scarf, the tie at the back of my shirt, and the hem of my top. It was so embarrassing. Each pin said 'You've been pinned!!' and 'Faith Bible Chapel' on each side.

Then, Saturday, the last day.
I got there a little late, but that's ok, because I got a ride in Mr. Fett's shiny silver convertible! With the top down. It was awesome... and cold.
I sat at the very very back of the sanctuary in the first morning service so I could get some good pictures. Then, in the first seminar of the day, I ended up sitting beside this guy and girl, and at first I thought they were married or something, because he treated her really nicely, but they were always bickering and hitting each other in jest. But during the seminar they were super chill and really nice, and at the end of the seminar, we introduced ourselves, and they had just come from Texas and were siblings (He's actually nice to his sister! -brothers, take note-) and we started walking in the same direction, and in the end ate lunch together. During the 2 hours that we spent together, I realized that they were not as low key as I first thought they were. They are so funny together. We ended up sharing klutz stories with each other. It was great.
Then we went to the sanctuary together and all sat together. I was warning Emily about the whole clothes-pin thing, and showed them to her (apparently NO ONE got more than 2 pins pinned on them...) and she decided that she needed to pin one on Nathan. So she pinned it to the sleeve of his shirt, and he didn't feel it for a long time. As I said, they were really funny. We all went to the same seminar again. This time, I made us late, and we had to sit on the floor (the rooms filled up really quickly). While we were sitting on the floor, Nathan started playing with the pin, an pinned it on this girls reaaaally red jacket (I think she deserved it... she was wearing bright purple skinny jeans, a yellow shirt, and a bright red and black tiger striped jacket). She didn't notice so Emily and I laughed really hard.
Then, there was this one guy sitting in front of us, and every time he's leaned forward, his pants would slip to the middle of his butt, so most of his boxers were exposed... unfortunately, the guy had holes in his boxers. That was awkward. Emily thought it was hilarious, and kept bursting out laughing, making me laugh too.
I'm sure it was a great seminar :)
After, they invited me out to lunch with their parents, and we had a great time... I couldn't figure out how the seatbelt worked in the truck, I then fell out of the truck trying to get down, and I totally backed up into Nate. Haha their poor parents didn't even know what hit 'em.
For the last seminar, we all sat together again.
It was amazing. The theme of the seminar was Light Up The World, and in a little white bag under our seats they had given us a CD and a white candle. At the end of the service, they sang 'light of the world' and everybody lit their candles. It started with one tiny flame in the corner of the room, and within minutes the whole room was burning. It was beautiful.

All in all, it was a great conference. I met some great people, heard a great message, and had to keep going into the bathroom to run warn water over my hands to keep them warm haha

Now, today was great.
At around noon we went to the pool, and stayed there for about 15 minutes because it started to thunder, and here in the mountains, thunder means someone getting hit by a bolt of lightning (i didn't get to see anyone get hit ): haha jk
so then we went back to the house and watched movies until about 3, and then we headed up into the mountains to the Fett's cabin.
Let me just say something here: I am a city girl. I grew up in the city, I love the city, I know how to survive in the city (albeit hardly). So when I heard that we were going to a cabin that had neither running water OR indoor plumbing, I was a tiny bit less than thrilled. Like, I can do it (and I did it!) but it scared me a little bit.
Well, when we arrived at the cabit, it was stunning. The view was spectacular (again, I have great pictures, but I can't upload them muahahaha). Unfortunately, what I had forgotten is that we were at 8,400 feet above sea level, so the air was really thing. I almost passed out a few times, which is an odd feeling. But i got used to it really quickly, and I absolutely LOVE it up there.
Brianna and I went for a hike, and then we went fishing. At first I wasn't planning on going fishing, but I found out that I really liked it.
And guess what?! I caught a 3 pound rainbow trout! It was so cool. I reeled it in and Mr. Fett caught it for me. That was part of our wonderful dinner.
Then we went up to the cabin a few hours later, and ate dinner there. It's such a cool old cabin. We're sleeping there tomorrow night.
I can't wait to upload all of the pictures.

Well, it's 12:40 right now, and I'm exhausted. I'm going to go to sleep.
I'll update again as soon as I can.

Thanks guys, and I miss you all!
(Ignore any spelling errors, and I know there are a lot. I don't have spell check and am too lazy to re-read what i just wrote :)

Have a great week!
Kenzie <3

Vacation blog 1: And so it begins

Hey everybody!
Well, I'm alive and I still have my wallet, so that qualifies as a good start to the trip.

I left the PVR at 04:30 pm, and had an ok flight from there to phoenix. I was on the freaking wing, which was the ONE THING that I had asked my travel agent to NOT get me. Needless to say, i was not happy (and those who know me well know that an unhappy Kenzie is a very unpleasant travel companion). My stupid carry on baggage weighed a million pounds (...or like 40... but still. I'm weak lol) and i couldn't get it under my seat, and i wasn't strong enough to lift it all the way up to the over-head carrier, so I had it at my feet the whole flight. Luckily, the lady beside me was really nice, and she was liken seeing that my table couldn't go down because of my knees) 'you can put your drink on my table!' and she was so sweet. Once the flight took off, I was in a better mood because I love the feeling of soaring in the air.
Then when I was getting the paper to go through immigration from the flight attendant, I didn't know which paper I'd need since I'm a Canadian citizen living in Mexico, visiting the states.
So she gave me one of each and told me to give him all of them. So I did!
It was really easy. Apparently, the key to getting through the airports easily is just smiling vaguely and looking lost... People take pity on you.
And pity is close to respect, right??

When I got to the Phoenix airport, everybody was really, really helpful. When I got through the baggage claim and check and surfaced to the terminals, I was toootally lost, and I was looking at my ticket, wondering what my next move would be when this really nice lady and her daughter came up to me and were like 'hey sweetie, you look lost, Can we help?' So they pointed me in the right direction (after pointing me in 2 wrong directions!) and told me exactly what to expect, and that it would feel like a very long walk, but just get to the end and it'll all be fine.

I ate at this odd place called Einstein Bros Bagels and then went to go to my next flight, from Arizona to Denver. The guy who checked y ticket and passport was great, and he gave me awesome directions on how to get to my terminal and what to do once I got there, and what papers I was going to need to present (Phoenix security is really tight). As I was in the terminal area, there was this one guy in a very expensive looking suit and a big, shiny watch on, and I was like 'oh yeah, this guy's a pro at flying. He's all business-chic with his fancy leather briefcase'.
Then, once I boarded the airplane (another bloody wing seat), guess who I was sitting next to???
Ohhhh yeah, Mr. I'm-so-cool-cuz-i-have-an-awesome-watch.
So I'm like 'Hey, may I get through? I'm sitting at the window' and as he was squeezing around me, i apologize for having the giant carry-on from hell today.
Then I realized that my carry-on didn't fit under the seat again, and the male flight attendant was like 'Ok, sweetie, you need to stow away your luggage' and i got really red and told him that it didn't fit under the seat. When he asked why I didn't have it in the overhead compartment, I told him that not only could I not lift it up there, I couldn't reach it!
So he lifted it up, and my travel buddy Mr.Friendly said that he'd get it down for me.

When I arrived in Denver, I was pretty lost.
Everyone surged off the plane and started moving towards these escalators, so naturally I followed. Then we got to this central area, and everybody ran towards this train-like thing, and I got pulled into it, freaking out because I had NO idea what I was supposed to do or where my suitcase was. So, obviously, the door closed on my butt, and a tinny voice came over the intercom saying 'you're delaying the departure of this vehicle. Please step away from the door' so again, cheeks flaming, I crammed into the little trolley. After stopping at 3 stations, I finally got off where they said that we could claim our baggage.
The Fetts (the family that I'm living with) were waiting for me at the top of the escalator, then we went to go claim my baggage.
By this time my hand and arm hurt a loooot, and Mr. Fett took my stuff and carried it for me.

On the drive from Denver to Colorado Springs, I fell asleep 20 minutes into the hour and a half drive, and when I woke up, we were just pulling into the driveway.

Today was a great day.
It's really late right now, so I'm going to go to sleep.

Tomorrow is Desperation Conference, so I extremely excited. I don't have a card reader so I can't upload pictures. Probably Sunday or Monday.

I'll keep posting updates!
Goodnight!

Dissapointment

He let me down.
They say there is a first time for everything, and I suppose that's true, in a sense.
But this was different.
He promised me, years ago, back when I first met him.
He swore.
But he lied.
I never knew him to tell a farce, he was always transparent, like a clean window.
I still don't know how it happened.
But it did,
I shudder to think about what else he lied about.
If he could pass off something like this, then something smaller like infidelity wouldn't phase him.
I wrack my brain, but nothing comes to mind.
But with this much alchohol going through my system, I'm surprised I can think.
I guess I use him as my excuse.
Any other day I'd hate myself for that.
But one doesn't commit murder every day.

Short story

“No, no, no, Rose, with feeling!" Mrs. Jenning moaned in exasperation.
Rose rolled her eyes, yawning with boredom.
"Yes, ma'am." She drawled.
Mrs. Jenning repositioned herself in front of the mahogany grand piano, her long fingers poised on the ivory keys, looking expectantly at her student for the ready signal.
Rose took a deep breath, and a burst of music swelled movingly from the keys, Mrs. Jenning's body swaying passionately with the rhythm. A small smirk tugged the corners of Roses mouth, and she began to sing.
Her powerful voice, a tool she knew how to use so well, sounded dry and unfeeling.
Mrs. Jenning struck an off note, then pounded the keys with her little fists.
"Rose Paqer, that's it. I give up! You used to be my star student, and now you vex me to no end. Please, feel free to explain to me how exactly such a drastic change can come over such a promising, beautiful young lady in only a short amount of time, because I'll never know." She gave Rose a chance to respond, but when she just gazed at Mrs. Jenning with her cold green eyes, her left eyes partially covered by her long, straight black hair, Mrs. Jenning just sighed. "But, until that time, I'm afraid that this is the end of our classes together. I've put up with this for long enough. Please, call me when you have sorted your problems." She looked critically at Rose, closed the piano cover, and stood up.
Rose looked as impassive as ever as she gathered her things and opened the door.
"Goodbye, Rose. Stay well." Mrs. Jenning said cordially, her hands held behind her back, her posture ramrod straight.
"Same to you." Rose replied shallowly. She closed the door behind her, leaving her teacher of 12 years, and walked up the stairs to the waiting lounge.
Rose was mildly surprised to see two boys, obviously twins, sitting together on the sofa, one with a guitar, the other holding a flute. The one with the flute looked up and greeted Rose with a dazzling smile, then looked back at his sheet music. The one with the guitar didn't even acknowledge her entrance.
Rose sat in an overstuffed reclining chair, tucked her feet under her, and took out her iPod. She idly looked at the boys in front of her, and studied them curiously.
They were both very handsome, with a slight build and long legs. They both had shaggy strawberry blond hair, though the one with the flute had his a little bit longer, nearly shoulder length, much more razored at the ends, and the other one's hair was redder.
As though they could feel her gaze, they both looked up at exactly the same time.
Rose met their gazes, first looking at one, then the other, then did a double take on the boy with the flute.
Except he wasn't a boy, she was a girl!
Surprise showed clearly on Rose's face, and the girl blushed a deep scarlet and giggled, embarrassed.
"See, Dom? I told you that I shouldn't have cut my hair this short, and you should have cut your hair shorter!" She said good-naturedly, gently elbowing her brother in the ribs.
Rose looked down, but didn't say anything.
"Yes, Jenny, but we've gone through this before. Sorry, again, but seriously, let it go. If it bothers you so much, start dressing more like a girl and stop taking my clothes." Her brother said quietly, gently strumming his guitar.
Rose had turned down her music so that she could hear them. "Yeah, but I'm just saying-" Jenny started conversationally, but her brother cut her off.
"Yes, you're always 'just saying'!" He said playfully, "But stop so I can concentrate on my music! We perform in just 4 days and I still have to write one more song!”
"Oh! Which reminds me, I have a lyric that I thought you might like." Jenny said, and they both pulled out small notebooks.
His was black and hers was a dark yellow.
"Life's like an hourglass glued to the table, can't find the rewind button." She read musically, and closed her notebook.
Her brother scribbled in his notebook. He looked at Jenny and nodded. "Impressive." He murmured.
Jenny smiled pleasantly, then looked at Rose. "Dominic's the lead singer and guitar player of a new band called Popcorn Disco." She said proudly.
Rose nodded politely. "Cool." She said flatly.
Jenny looked slightly taken aback, but her good nature kept her from taking it personally.
"Jenny, you can come down now." Mrs. Jenning called up, her voice slightly shaky.
Rose looked into her lap.
Jenny looked at her watch. "She's over a half-hour early! Dom, make sure you call mom, ok?" She got up and turned to Rose. "Oh, and nice to meet you....?" she trailed off.
Rose made no gesture to reply.
"Right. See you later!" Jenny called over her shoulder as she bounced down the stairs.
Rose took the earphones out of her ears and put her iPod away, then took a book out of her oversized bag. She settled in for the long wait for her mom to pick her up.
"Good choice." The boy said, looking up and nodding to her book. " I love Oscar Wilde."
Rose glanced up at him, then looked back down to her book. "Thanks." She muttered.
Dominic was surprised by her curt response, but let it slide and resumed his music.
"Come back and realize that I'm not at home," he sang softly, "come back and find out that I've up and gone." He strummed along, sometimes scribbling a note in the book. "And know you won't see me again, and think of how lonely you'll be..." He frowned as he sung the last part, and tried a different note, then another.
Rose looked up. "It should be C, G, D, Em7, then C again, not G." she said quietly, then looked back down at her book.
Dominic looked up in surprise, but tried the progression as she suggested.
It sounded great.
"Thanks!" He said sincerely.
"Don't mention it." she said. "Seriously." she added, cutting him off before Dominic was able to say something else.
He sat back in his chair and studied her closely.
She was very pretty, no doubt about it. She had very delicate features, almost like a doll. Her hair was very straight and black, and hung to the middle of her back.
She peeked up at him from beneath her long eyelashes, and he noticed how beautiful her eyes were, a very icy green.
"I'm Dominic, by the way." He smiled, and she idly noticed that he had a very straight, white teeth.
Her only acknowledgement to his introduction was that she raised her eyebrow.
He waited a second to see if she would respond, but when it was again clear that she had no intention to, he asked, "And you are...?"
She looked up, a defiant glint in her eyes. "Not interested." She said in a low voice.
Dominic was not expecting that, and a shocked little laugh escaped him.
Rose looked up and gave him an odd look. "What is wrong with you?" she asked, showing interest in someone for the first time in a long time, she realized.
"I just really wasn't expecting that answer. It's probably the last thing that I thought I'd ever hear in response to that question." He smiled, his dark eyes sparkling.
Rose’s eyebrows came together in a concentrated frown. "You... are a very odd boy." She said, and he smiled mischievously.
"Thanks." He laughed, and looked back down to his music.
Rose looked back to her book, then suddenly looked up.
"Rose." She said, then looked back down.
"Pardon me?" he asked, puzzled.
"My name is Rose." She repeated, then looked at her book, blushing and angry at herself for some reason.
"What a beautiful name." he said, then looked at her huge bag.
She followed his gaze and wrinkled her nose.
"Looks heavy." He mused to himself.
"It is." She said offhandedly.
He smiled and glanced back to his guitar.
"So, what instrument do you play?" He asked, looking at his notes.
"I don't play an instrument." Rose said.
He smiled to himself, wondering why she was being so difficult. "Then what do you do here?" He asked.
"I sing." She stated, and Dominic could have sworn that he saw her almost smile.
"Oh, so that's how you were able to pick up on the notes for the song so easily!" He observed.
"Yep..." She nodded.
"Hey, do you think you could help me? I have to finish this song like... now, and you have a really good ear for music, so..." He looked so hopeful that Rose felt that she couldn't say no.
"Sure." She leaned forward, and Dominic leaned in to pass her the sheet music.
She looked over the music and hummed it in her head.
Dominic played along on his guitar, then abruptly stopped.
Rose looked up questioningly, and he shrugged.
"I don't know where to go from here. I have a whole other verse written, but I don't know what to do for a chorus, or the notes to the verse." He ran his hands through his hair, and absently tapped a rhythm on his guitar.
Rose studied his song, then suddenly put the music down.
"What, is it that bad?" He asked playfully, but a real question lurked behind the smile.
Rose shrugged. "It's fine. I need to go now." She stood up, and a tear fell from her eyes onto the coffee table.
“Rose... What?"
"Nice meeting you." She said hurriedly, tears starting to fall from her eyes, and tried to heft her bag over her shoulder, but as she picked it up, the strap ripped, and the bag crashed to the floor.
Rose looked at her bag for a moment, then burst into tears and sank to the floor, her hair partially covering her face.
Dominic jumped up, put his guitar on the couch, and went to sit beside Rose.
She huddled into a little ball, and Dominic just sat there with no idea as to what to do.
"I'm sorry." Rosie sobbed into her arm, gasping for breath.
"Shhh, it's ok." Dominic said soothingly, gently rubbing her back. "Just relax." He whispered, and she leaned into his arm.
Not at all sure what to do, he put his arm around her.
She didn't respond at first, but after a moment she leaned entirely into his chest.
They sat there, the only sound was her sniffling breaths and the ticking of the Grandfather clock on the mantle.
"I'm really sorry." She hiccupped.
Dominic smiled into her hair, and said, "It's no problem. Are you alright?"
Rose leaned away from him and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her blouse.
"Yes. Thank you." She tried to get up, but Dominic didn't let go.
"Are you sure you're alright? Would you like to tell me what's going on?" He took his arm off her shoulder and turned to look at her better.
"No. I'm ok. It's just..." She burst into tears again. "My Dad died last week. We were on our way back from one of my concerts, and we were fighting about something. I don't even remember what it was, it was so stupid. Then he looked down at the music sheet that I was showing him, and he swerved into the oncoming traffic. A truck smashed into us, and he was killed instantly. I... I didn't even get to tell him that I loved him." She broke down even more.
Dominic had no idea what to do, but when he went to go hug her again, she recoiled. He sat back and she looked at him through her tear stained eyes.
“Sorry,” she said, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “I just needed to let that out.”
She got up, pushed her bag into a corner of the room, and started the long walk home, humming, alone, and for the first time since her dad died, a little bit happier.

Sick Cycle

'It'll never 'appen to me' he'd say, wanting, waiting, wishing for it to happen.
'It'll never 'appen to me' he'd gloat, mocking the distress of the people who were less fortunate than he.
'It'll never 'appen to me' he'd slur, the vodkas and rum frolicking through his veins, making even more of a fool out of him.
'It'll never 'appen to me' he'd mumble, his head spinning in nauseating circles around the room, vomit coating the front of his expensive Armani shirt and tie.
'It'll never 'appen to me' he'd rasp, gasping for air as his lungs seemed to collapse.
'It'll never 'appen to me' he'd said, knowing finally that it was a lie. Because truly, it was happening. He was about to utter it one last time, alone and afraid, but but he didn't have the energy or the heart.

The first words spoken when they found his body in the cubicle the next day was '... It 'appened.'

So.....

My great grandmother died this morning.
And I'm sad.
It's been 4 years since I saw her last, and 8 years since she had her massive stroke.
It was such a shock hearing that she had passed away.
It seems so surreal.
8 years ago, she had a massive stroke and almost died. The doctors gave her only 2 weeks to live.
As I said, that was 8 years ago.
At the beginning of the month, she caught pneumonia. The doctors said that she could go either way, but I knew that she was going to be ok.
She was a fighter.
But this morning, right after I came in the door from the gym, my grandmother called with the news.
I was.... shocked.
I didn't think she could die.
She was Muffmama.
The lady who, from as far back as I can remember, was as tough as they come. She never said I love you, she never cried, and she always had a ton of yummy cookies in her [pantry.
Even when she had the stroke, she was brave.
Her whole left side of her body was paralyzed, and still she tried to work with it.
She did physical excercises, and gained partial controll of her left side.
And now, she's gone.
And I'm crying again.
It's so hard to believe that after all this time, all of this work, and all of... everything, she's gone.
Never to come back.
And that makes me so sad, it's unbelievable.
I always saw her as the strongest lady I had ever known.
She was my pillar.
And she's gone.

I don't know why this is hitting me so hard.
My mom said that it wasn't a surprise, that we all knew it would happen.
But I didn't.


So, this was just a little blurb to get it off my chest.

Her

words bouncing off the corners of her mind
and thoughts that bring back memories.
her heart so fragile in that time
and wisdom was elusive.

but who am I to judge?
it was only me.

painting her story
writing her portrait.
love & hate
truth & lies
forgiveness & betrayal.
who knows that girl?
the girl inside.
she doesn't even know herself.

pain enters her body and engulfs her mind.
her heart changes from pure to corrupt.
no going back.

and her heart is like a late night bar.
emotions spill out on the floor
as the glass shatters all around the door

A Scene in my Head (I know, I need to name these)

A span of darkly lit street goes to the left and the right.
The young man emerges from an ordinary building in the shabby district, nothing distinguishing it from any of the others in the vicinity.
In the shadowed stoop to his left, an old and decrepit man lays still, quietly lamenting the loss of his right foot.
The peasants of the village pass before him, their backs bowed by the burdens and the stress of their miserable, meaningless lives.
A young woman on the corner to his right is screaming at the foot traffic, looking, searching, begging for help for her deathly pale child.
He, the strikingly attractive, well dressed young man, walks into the street.
The young woman pauses her wailing to gawk at the young man.
Her child gasps out a strangled sob, and she quickly returns to her pursuit of attention.
A cab goes by, calling out to the young man.
A silent shake of his head causes the cabby to quickly move on.
The young mother tries to hail it down, but he pays her no heed and speeds down the lane.
A few minutes pass before another cab cautiously creeps down the street.
The youth signals the taxi to pill up to the curb.
The young woman becomes silent in an act of respect to the well-off gentleman.
Once at the door of the taxi, the young man motions for the lady and the gasping infant to come close.
She does so with bulging eyes.
He quietly tells her to get in the cab.
She vigorously and resolutely shakes her head until her child utters a sudden cry of pain.
With a small flourish, he opens the car door and bows for her to get in.
She hesitantly does so with tears welling in her eyes.
He silently closes the door behind her.
Approaching the wary cab driver's window, he throws a large wad of bills on the passenger seat, adding that if he drops her off anywhere else than the front step of where she wants to go, he will deeply regret it.
The cabbie did not for one minute doubt it.
He speedily drove off, the woman in the back sobbing her gratitude.
He starts walking away down the street, past the old man, past the filthy children, past the poverty and stink.
A smile, like a secret joke, tugs at the corner of his mouth.
The peasants of the street watch watch as the quiet angel in disguise walks silently

Speaker phone

I heard her voice, I know I did!
I looked around quickly, checking to see if she was really there.
"Raf, what are you looking at?" Daniel asked, standing beside me.
"Nothing." I grunted, and calmly looked back into my locker.
If he knew I was looking for her, he'd yell it all over the school. But even tho it would be odd for her to be here in my school, I knew I'd heard her. I knew her voice so well.
The home schooled girl that people rarely saw. The pretty girl that the soccer team put on the 'black list' because she declined the team captain.
But she always smiled at me.
I heard her laughter again, and this time I was absolutely sure.
I straightened up and turned around to lean coolly on my locker.
I only say I looked cool because I just saw a cute girl from the grade below me look at me from the balcony and almost trip going down the stairs.
My eyes darted around and searched the courtyard for her. A glint of her dark brown hair, or someone looking curiously in her direction.
And then I saw it: a small group of people clustered around someone.
I could feel my heart sink a little when I saw Tom, the team captain, step out of the group.
"Raf!" he shouted, giving me that ridiculous peace sign.
I nodded back and her voice carried through the din.
"Oh, whatever, we all know I'm too bossy to be bossed around!" she joked.
I stood up and slowly walked towards the door to the library, where it sounded like it came from.
Just then I noticed one of the girls from the grade below me holding a cell phone in her hand, and the girl who had almost tripped was sitting beside her and looked up at me quickly, then spoke in to the phone in the palm of her friend's hand.
I tried to smile at them, but just walked away.

I hate speaker phone.